Depression.

If you or someone you know struggles with depression or something of that nature, maybe this will help....or maybe not. I'm young and I don't know a whole lot of anything, if I know anything at all. I don't know what I'm doing, I'm still trying to figure all this stuff out.

Stumbling and tripping all along the way.

But this is something that I've been thinking about and maybe it'll be nice to know that you're not alone, because I think that sometimes we are most alike in the ways we try and hide because we feel like we are alone.
Well, dear friend, you're not alone, we're not alone.

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“God himself does not give answers. He gives himself.” -Frederick Buechner

I saw a picture with those words emblazoned on it a couple weeks ago.

They sat in the back of my head while I ran around doing life. Ideas percolating, thoughts turning over in the quiet moments I have to pause between work, family, friends and living.

If this is how God responses to our questions, how then should we in turn answer the questions the world throws at us?

Someone close to me struggles with severe depression. When it comes crashing like a wave over them - they want to give up, surrender to the pain and let go in the worst possible sense. And I don't know how to answer the questions they lob at me.

What is the point of living when there is so much pain and ache in the world? What is the point of doing anything if we all die anyway? They say if there is a God, then how can He be good when the world is so clearly marked with evil?

I sit there with ache in my own chest because this world is so broken and my own heart hasn't escaped unscathed. Lines of pain are etched into all of us.

Children die and mothers are left with empty arms, mothers die and children are left to face a scary world without people who love them, suicides happen, cancer is real, starvation is a reality for millions of people, tsunamis wipe out, hurricanes rage, and people steal, kill, rape and destroy others.

And I hear that question echo again, "How can God be good?"

There is so much pain they carry, so much ache I see in their eyes.

This little person I know, I want to infuse life into them, for they are good, smart, wonderful, and brilliant. I want to shield them from pain. I want to peel off those scales that cover their eyes and show them that all the badness in the world isn't even a drop in this ocean of grace that we swim in, but words fall short.

I wish I had an easy answer, I wish I could infuse hope into their soul and bind up those deep wounds I see shining in their eyes. I want a line of words to hand them that will tie up all the questions into neat pretty bows.

I want to fix things.
I want to have answers and I have none.

I want this to be easy, but I'm finding that love in the trenches of life, is hard.

Because of this, on Christmas Eve night, I sat crying in the car. Pain feeling like a solid rock in the center of my chest. I felt like nothing I had done mattered, nothing I do helped, and I felt hopeless sitting in the car on the dark cold night before Christmas. I just want God to fix this whole mess, I'm tired of love and life being so hard.

Sometimes life is a brutal teacher, it feels like a black hole sucking out everything you have and giving nothing back. You feel like you're swimming against a current. You feel like for every step you take forward you get pushed back three. And you wonder how can God possibly be good when everything is falling apart and the absolute last thing you feel like is a beloved child.

So I made cinnamon rolls and as I kneaded the dough, as I turned it over and under, I thought about this idea that God doesn't give us answers, He gives us himself.

What does this mean for me? I think this means I don't have answers and that's alright. I have Jesus and I have this little life He's given to me.

So I'm going to give the only thing I have. I'm going to give myself. I'm not going to just talk about how Jesus is love, I want to be that love. I am going to pour my life out and love this little person to the best of my ability. I'm going to show them that I think they're worth investing love into. Not because I want to fix them or want them to change, but simply because I love them.

I don't know if any of this makes sense and maybe I'm just way off, but I'm holding on tightly with bleeding hands to the knowledge that I am who I am and I am where I am for a reason. And although this is hardly what I would have chosen to walk through--I am here and there must be a reason for all of this.

May we all look back on the most tempestuous times in our life and see loves fingerprints in the midst of chaos, for we are always, always loved and never ever forgotten.