Doing things because you want attention and not doing things because you’re worried that people will think you are wanting attention, are just different branches that come from the same root of pride.
Pretending you carry a light that doesn’t exist and covering up the light you have, both result in the same darkness.
It’s just one is more dangerous because it can easily be covered with a thin veil of false humility and you can feel like you are being a better person while you do it.
And that would be the one that I wrestle with the most…of course it would be…
I worry what people think about me, what kind of image am I projecting, what people think about me, and if I annoy people.
I’m worried what you think after you read that line.
The way I normally deal with this is I’m self deprecating, hand me a compliment and I’ll find a way to squish it and dismiss it--because I’m worried that it will go to my head or that people will think it's going to my head.
Ask me about me strengths and I’ll hand you a long alphabetized list of my faults.
I was talking to a lovely new friend yesterday and this topic came up. I asked a her, "How do you kill this type of pride?”
And she said, “I think you ask God to show you how to repent and you run in that direction.”
See…I write (copiously) and people tell me that I’m not horrible at it..and if I'm being honest they actually say I'm good at it. But I’m scared to own it, because I don’t want people to think I believe that I’m all that plus a bag of chips. I scared that people will dismiss me because they think that I write just because I’m an attention whore.
Maybe...repentance for me looks like owning the fact I've been given something I don't understand and that terrifies me. (I'm cringing on the inside as I write that)
But the end of the day…it doesn’t matter what people think or what my fears whisper to me. What matters is what the God who made me thinks…
I want to believe this so bad, I want this truth to sink down into my marrow and go pumping into my blood.